. . . I still couldn’t live in Port Royal.

Last weekend, NancyTW and I scoped out a few attractions in the area to celebrate her birthday. We went to a couple of French restaurants that we had not tried before (with terrific postprandials,) and you might have read the previous post about Naples Botanical Gardens. On Saturday afternoon, we did something a little different.

If the written word could convey a Cockney accent, you would be reading the following:

“I’m celebrity interviewer Robin Leach!”

But it can’t, so you’ll have to imagine it for yourself.

No, I’m not on the French Riviera, the slopes of Aspen, or on a beachfront in Malibu. I’m really just a chip shot from home, less than a half hour drive, at a little section of Florida known as Port Royal. Now, I don’t have the ‘pull’ of a “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” host, so I can’t offer any interior shots of exotic Ghibli granite countertops or mirror-smooth, hand-rubbed, Southeast Asian camphorwood sideboards. But I’ll do what I can for you.

There are a few ways to get a glimpse of the incredible estate-sized homes in Port Royal. One is to become a cable guy. Another is to take a leisurely, two-hour sail on Naples Bay and the Gulf of Mexico aboard the 53 foot catamaran operated by the good folks at Sweet Liberty, a sailing charter outfit that caters to your every mansion-gawking need. Of course, we could have pulled ten or fifteen million crispies out of our pocket and bought one of these castles, but I know you will agree that NancyTW and I demonstrated uncommon impulse control by opting instead for the $31 afternoon cruise.

Our captain for the day was Lenny, and he kept us informed as to bits of data connected to many of the not-so-humble abodes that we sailed past on our way to the Gulf. He told us that only about 15 percent of these jaw-dropping mini-palaces are occupied for more than a couple of months every year. I compared that statistic to the “cottages” along Newport’s Bellevue Avenue, where turn of the century tycoons with names like Astor and Vanderbilt spent about the same amount of time in lavish mansions like The Breakers, Marble House, Rosecliff, and The Elms. If the folks of Port Royal find homes like this one to be unworthy of more than a couple of months of their time, then I’d really like to know what their other, more preferable digs look like.

If you’ve ever peeked at one of those weighty, “Architectural Digestion” type magazines in your doctor’s office, or flipped curiously through a copy of the “Robb Report” at a news stand, this is where they find the homes to fill the glossy pages of those publications. Nearly every one of these places is equipped with facilities to not only dock the family yacht, but to actually winch it out of the water for a proper drying. This one includes a yacht “port.”

All of the homes have swimming pools, many of which are the “infinity” type, where the edge of the pool is never visible from a perspective inside it. Water cascades continuously over the sides and is caught in a basin system for recirculation.

In a number of instances, “previously gawked-at” homes have been bought for several million dollars, torn down, and replaced with fresh structures that meet the needs of the new owners more precisely. The yearly maintenance tabs for some of these homes most likely exceeds the entire nut we’re paying for the roof over our own heads. And I wonder if insurance is even available for such magnificent buildings located right on the Gulf, directly in the line of fire of any old hurricane that swings into town.

Now, I know I said that I couldn’t take you inside, but I did say that I would do what I can. So get ready for a closer look at the cute little campsite in the picture below.

It’s not Brad and Angelina’s $70 million pad in the south of France, but it is a respectable 11,541 square feet of luxurious amenities like travertine marble floors, handcrafted symmetrical stairways, and incredible water views peering out across 273 feet of bay frontage. With seven full and one half bathrooms, you could entertain the Boston Celtics starters, Coach Doc Rivers, a ball boy, and still never have to wait in line for a terlet. There are no fewer than six bedrooms, two of which are part of a guest suite with its own kitchen, living area, and secluded entrance.

The asking? $14.89 million. But with nothing moving these days, I bet you could call it yours for thirteen-five.

No one gives you more for your deflated drooling dollar than GDAT!!. Now, switch on that Cockney accent one more time:

So long for now, hoping you sail away with champagne wishes, and caviar dreams! (And decent sugars.)

Ta Ta!